


You're Only Human

by AgentCatt



Series: Lolix One Shot Stuff [8]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, Slight Panic, mentions of wanting to commit suicide, mentions of wanting to self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:25:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9627980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentCatt/pseuds/AgentCatt
Summary: Felix wakes up from a cold sweat and the dream depresses him so much to the point he wants to self harm and die. Locus helps calm him down.





	

Felix wakes up in a cold sweat. It's been awhile since he has. It's been forever since he had a nightmare to wake him. He doesn't like it. It makes him feel like shit.

He gets out of bed, slowly shuffling to the bathroom. He closes the door behind him before turning on the light. He reaches above the sink cabinet to grab his hidden blade. 

Felix sits down on the floor, against the tub. He twirls the blade between his fingers. It's always calming to hold something so sharp. 

He hates everything. He hates himself. He can't even look at himself in the mirror anymore. Too skinny. Fucking disgusting. 

He leans his head back, looking at the ceiling. He doesn't know how long he's been there before Locus knocks on the door.

“Felix? You okay?” 

Locus sounds like he's been up for a while. Maybe up ever since Felix woke up. He silently curses himself for waking his partner. 

“Felix?”

Felix sighs, knowing damn well Locus won't go away unless he answers. And even then, he doesn't really want to say anything. He moves enough towards the door to open it, then goes back to where he was. Still twirling the blade.

“What are you-” Locus stops and just looks. Felix refusing eye contact. Locus moves to sit in front of Felix. Close, but not touching. “May I have this blade?”

“No. You'll throw it away.”

“Felix, hurting yourself because You hurt isn't the answer.”

“How the fuck would you know?” He stops twirling it and holds it close.

“I know because I've been there. It doesn't help.”

“It does help. It feels really fucking good.” Felix pulls his legs in. “Quit trying to take my blade.”

“I'm not trying to. I'm asking for you to give it here so you don't harm yourself.”

“I don't need a babysitter. I'll be fine. Go back to bed.”

“No. I'm going to sit here with you and make sure you don't harm yourself.”

“Fuck you.”

“You can say whatever you want, but I'm not going anywhere.”

This is nothing but annoying. Felix doesn't want Locus there. He shouldn't have open the fucking door. He should've just said something and lied. Fucking bullshit asshole won't leave him alone. Keeps trying to take away his blade. Asshole.

Locus sits there, criss crossed, in front of Felix for a long time. Not moving. Not saying anything else. He wants Felix to talk to him. Well, that's the perfect scenario. Felix opening up. He can hope.

Felix wants to fucking harm himself, but this fucking buffoon won't leave him be. If he were to try now, Locus would probably force the blade from his hand. 

“Felix. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. Fuck you, you piece of shit.” Felix starts twirling the blade again. 

“I know you don't mean it.” 

“Yeah? And how do you know that?” Felix hisses out.

“Because you're only like this when you're upset or something happened to me.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“No, you don't.” Locus keeps a level head and steady voice. Felix is annoyed by it too.

“How the fuck do you know what I do and don't feel? Fucking jackass.”

“I know because I've been with you long enough. I've picked up on all your signals.”

Felix mocks everything that Locus just said, followed by, “Fuck. You. I hope you die in a fire.”

“Nothing you say is going to phase me. You can try all you want.”

“This is just backwards!” Felix is way too angry at himself. “It's supposed to be me that is the strong one. Not the one that wants to harm himself. Not the one that wants to fucking die.”

“Felix, you are strong. Always have been, always will be. This doesn't change that. This shows that you are human.”

“You're wrong. I'm nothing but a weak piece of shit that deserves to fucking die and you won't fucking let me.”

“I love you, Felix. I really do. We will get through this. Let me in. Let me help you.”

“No. All you say are fucking lies. You don't love me. You never have. You never fucking will.” Felix is starting to shake from anger and some panic.

“Felix…”

“No. You don't get to ‘Felix' me. Nobody could ever fucking love me. I'm a disgusting piece of shit that deserves to fucking die. I don't deserve anything!”

They both go silent. Felix holds the blade in his hand, close to his chest. He focuses on his breath to calm himself down. He's cold now. Exerted all his warmth out in anger.

“Why do you love me?” Felix asks when he's capable of a steady voice.

“I love the way you smile and the way your eyes light up when I get you a new knife. I love the way you get clingy when you're tired and just want to be held. I love the way you whine when I mess up your hair then promptly fix it. I love your voice and can listen to it for hours, even when you annoy me. I love how soft your hands can be when you touch me. I love spending time with you. I love spoiling you. I love everything about you. Even this. I wouldn't trade sitting here with you for the entire world. I love you.”

Felix starts crying. He can't help it. He wants to believe everything that was said, but he doesn't know how. He holds out his hand for Locus to take the blade. 

Locus takes the blade and flushes it down the drain. He watches Felix curl in on himself. He’d like to hold him, but isn't sure if Felix would be okay with that. So he'll just keeps saying things he loves.

“I love the way you never clean up after yourself even though I tell you to. I love your long legs around me. I love when you make me carry you. I love your eating disorder. I love you PTSD and depression. I love that you know how to make me feel better. I love the way you dig your nails into your skin when you're anxious. I love the way you try to steal my body heat at night. I love everything. And I will be here to always help you see this. I want to help.”

Felix looks up with tears running down his face. “You shouldn't want to help me. You shouldn't love me.”

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.” Locus challenges. He knows Felix can't come up with a good reason.

“I don't deserve any of it.”

“You deserve the best, Felix. Whether you believe it or not. You deserve everything good.”

Felix looks down, thinking of another reason. He looks up when he thinks of one. “Because I say the worst shit to you.”

“I won't deny that it stings, but I understand why you do it. You lash out at others so they won't see how vulnerable you are.”

Felix looks down again. He can't really think of an answer and if Locus is just going to counter everything, might as well just shut up.

“I love you, Felix. And I know you love me back.”

“How do you know?” Felix wipes the tears away. “I never show it.”

“You show it more than you think. I know when you do something for me. Or when you tell me to stay safe. Or how about when you kiss me more tenderly in the morning. I just know. And I wanted you to know that I do.”

Felix slowly moves to sit in Locus’ lap. He curls up a little, resting his head on Locus’ chest. He don't dare say anything. He might start crying again.

“I will help you through everything. I'm always here for you.”


End file.
